“The Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind"- what an amazingly dingy, beautiful film. Winslet and Carey - terrific performances. But the idea, the story conveyed was the, ouch of love and real relationships. I liked it. I liked seeing the unexplainable complexities. Although my popcorn had way too much butter on it and not enough salt I managed to be an adult about it. I pouted and refused to eat it. The anger and joy and lostness was so powerful. Beautiful pain. No I am not a sadist. Yes I admit a slight addiction to pain at times but I also like laughing my ass off and smiling in the sunshine…and I like watermelon. Have you ever noticed sad people don’t eat watermelon. (It’s happy fruit) It’s the dirty realness that I liked. The texture of the human heart is so strong even under the incredible pain of love.... Imagine if most people really lived like that. Kleenex would be on par with Microsoft on the stock market.
I think we are taught to avoid pain too much. Raised on an unhealthy diet of safety, from bicycle helmets to seat belts. Unfortunately I think safety spills over into parts of our lives that really matter. Parts of our lives that aren’t supposed to be safe. "Avoid pain at all costs" becomes our unspoken slogan for friendships. Because of this I used to make silly little small talk every day for months. Okay I still do sometimes but I’m trying not to. I could do it with anyone. Pretending to be interested in their lives. I would even make listening sounds to hide my false interest in what they were saying. I wish I could at least say I was planning what I wanted to say next. Planning to say it in a well put, smarter, more articulate way. No, actually I would be thinking about something completely different like what movie I wanted to rent the next time I went to Blockbuster or if it was really possible to melt the snow on the Himalayas to make the Sahara fertile.
It felt so safe. Safe but so fricken boring. Safe but cheap. Even my closest friendships became dull and exhausting…but at least they were safe. I think that there are things in life that deal with the heart that are supposed to be dangerous. I think the heart is such a mystery and is never meant to be safe, safe. Bible schools are the best places to learn to hide the heart stuff. Why? Because you learn to use your strongest and most nifty card in the deck. The spiritual card. You can resolve anything with this card. “I feel led to …” “God told me…”. Don’t do it Jesus hates when we play this card.
Sting says “Love is a tide of destruction” he also tells me that I am “afraid to love afraid to fail, a mast without a sail”. I don’t know how he knows that. I admire him.. I don’t want to debate if he is right or wrong about love being a tide of destruction…its just that I want to be able to say stuff like that. If I said that, I would feel like a guy who brags about a foreign country he has never visited but has only seen on the Travel Channel. I want to be swept up in that tide. I hate that we think that we have to be so safe and "appropriate". That is such a dumb ass word. I am done being appropriate! I used to subscribe to appropriate …but the more I thought about my life, who I really am and what sweet chaos God is doing in my heart. I realized appropriate is another stupid thing I don’t need in my life. I am well tired of appropriate words and ways of doing things. So weary of the neat and correct way. If Jesus was ever appropriate with Love, I would be lost. He is so radical, so careless with His heart. He wasn’t safe. It wasn’t safe for Him to come to earth but He did. His wild, furious love took Him to the cross for me. And I, sure as hell, am glad that He wasn’t considering if it was appropriate or not.
People excuse Eros love by explaining away the Greek words for love and they always delight in defining the distinctions…I am convinced these people have never experienced God’s sacred romance. We dissect the Greek word love into so many ridiculous pieces. If love were a painting by God, we have scrapped off all the paint to turn it into a paint-by-number piece, rather then just letting it be a perfect blend of hues and tones. Yes and I know …the overused verse wielded at every Christian single considering love. “guard your heart..” like do people really know what that means. Seriously…like spiritual safety instructors we throw that verse around.
I think we are just afraid, afraid to walk on the water with Jesus in learning love. Afraid to trust, afraid to hurt. Like Sting told me “afraid to love, afraid to fail” And we wonder why we watch so much T.V and vicariously live through the music and lyrics of worldly pagans who put their ass’s on the line to experience this God gift called love…but tragically miss out on the purest love there is. We ooh and ahhh at movie characters that desperately grapple with this amazing God gift called love, we watch and sigh with delight as they pass it off as infatuation, masked selfishness or even lust. I want to shout this from ever, church podium; Christians should be the best lovers, the most romantic Romeos and the most faithful Hosea’s. We should be selfless givers of authentic love. We should be so rapturous and real with sincere love that people seek us out. Revolutionary! I would even go as far as saying that we should be known as love doctors…. Okay maybe not love doctors that would be damn cheesy. But come on, we should be kicking butt here. ….But instead we sit waiting for our life partner to be mysteriously Fed-Ex’ed to us while we hide behind our "appropriate" theology proclaiming the sovereignty of God in our lives, abdicating responsibility to learn and experience love. And ignorantly we pray to be more like Jesus. yeah whatever.
Yes I’m a little pissed off.
Tuesday, December 28, 2004
Tuesday, December 21, 2004
stopping to smell the roses kinda stuff
This past weekend I went to see the bands “Over the Rhine” and “Griffin House”. Both were lyrically beautiful and deeply soul stirring in that uncomplicated way. Something about the expression of the hidden heart in music makes me melt. (Counting Crows and Patty Griffin are really good at this.) I love music and the last few days I have immersed myself in the sounds of Griffin House. This band kicks out soul vibrations that have left my heart and mind desiring and longing for beauty.
Anyway… I was left with a longing to be able to express myself in that similarly deep meaningful way. Perhaps my art, my words, something… so I have concluded that it’s wrong to go from day to day without seeing the beauty and tasting life. This, I am convinced, is true worship! But before I express it I want to really see it. So this Christmas season, I challenge you to look around for anything that stirs the soul, look for beauty- in the snow, the end of a laugh, a cup of apple cider, a content sigh, … you know the hidden small stuff. Let me know what you find.
So far
1. Kiran and Mary making snowflakes out of paper.
2. Our fireplace @1647- (available for everyone to enjoy, stop by)
3. Rubber band fight with my bosses kids in the office
Anyway… I was left with a longing to be able to express myself in that similarly deep meaningful way. Perhaps my art, my words, something… so I have concluded that it’s wrong to go from day to day without seeing the beauty and tasting life. This, I am convinced, is true worship! But before I express it I want to really see it. So this Christmas season, I challenge you to look around for anything that stirs the soul, look for beauty- in the snow, the end of a laugh, a cup of apple cider, a content sigh, … you know the hidden small stuff. Let me know what you find.
So far
1. Kiran and Mary making snowflakes out of paper.
2. Our fireplace @1647- (available for everyone to enjoy, stop by)
3. Rubber band fight with my bosses kids in the office
Friday, December 17, 2004
A Comment becomes an Entry
I have never done this before, but I read an amazing hidden comment in an entry I wrote sometime back. Under the entry called "Dating, waiting....waiting and stil waiting" under the 10th comment (7:41am, Anonymous said... Can I be a WITNESS?...) David Boone wrote something really worth reading.
Take a read...it's well worth it.
Take a read...it's well worth it.
Wednesday, December 15, 2004
A Conversation about a Donation
Today while I was out of the office a guy (lets call him Joe) called to donate $5000 to African Orphans. My boss Craig took the call. Here is a basic outline of the conversation:
C: Hi, how can I help you?
J: I would like to donate $5000 to AO. But I would like it to go JUST to the children’s education. I am very aware you focus a lot on the spirituality of the kids but I would like my money to go only to their education. You shouldn’t push the religion side of things so much. Kids have so many other important needs, not just their spirituality. Let them make up their own minds.
C: Are you a Christian?
J: Yes, I am
C: So you are saying I should put education first before God.
J: Well, yes. If they can’t read how will they have a life?
C: So we shouldn’t worry about their eternity but make sure we have the cleverest children in Hell? Hey Joe, I need you to know that these kids eternity is the most important thing we exist for.
J: Maybe I should look somewhere else?
C: Maybe you should pray about what to do with your money. But thanks for considering...
J: dial tone.
C: Mhmm
The fine line of understanding needs without an eternal perspective is dangerous. It is so easy to look at just the external and forget that all people will be around a million years from now. Every single person on the face of this earth will be around forever!!!… but some of us will live forever and some of us will die forever. There can be no greater priority in life than this.
“What good is it for a man to gain the whole world, yet forfeit his soul?” -Jesus
C: Hi, how can I help you?
J: I would like to donate $5000 to AO. But I would like it to go JUST to the children’s education. I am very aware you focus a lot on the spirituality of the kids but I would like my money to go only to their education. You shouldn’t push the religion side of things so much. Kids have so many other important needs, not just their spirituality. Let them make up their own minds.
C: Are you a Christian?
J: Yes, I am
C: So you are saying I should put education first before God.
J: Well, yes. If they can’t read how will they have a life?
C: So we shouldn’t worry about their eternity but make sure we have the cleverest children in Hell? Hey Joe, I need you to know that these kids eternity is the most important thing we exist for.
J: Maybe I should look somewhere else?
C: Maybe you should pray about what to do with your money. But thanks for considering...
J: dial tone.
C: Mhmm
The fine line of understanding needs without an eternal perspective is dangerous. It is so easy to look at just the external and forget that all people will be around a million years from now. Every single person on the face of this earth will be around forever!!!… but some of us will live forever and some of us will die forever. There can be no greater priority in life than this.
“What good is it for a man to gain the whole world, yet forfeit his soul?” -Jesus
Tuesday, December 14, 2004
dance like you know how
On Saturday my pastor got married to Liz, his very awesome bride. The wedding was at night in a conservatory with thousands of little white Christmas lights amongst exotic plants and trickling streams. It was a relaxed, informal… but breathtaking few moments as the bride cried her way through the ceremony and Daniel grinned his big goofy grin. The night consisted of much, much dancing and laughing…mainly at the dancing…but the celebration left me smiling and thrilled for Daniel and Liz.
This being my fourth wedding since the beginning of the summer, I feel I have grown in wisdom and understanding of this celebratory occasion. But I want to share just 3 simple tips about the DANCING part of weddings that I have gleaned becoming the wedding connoisseur that I am today.
1.) The moon walk, Irish dancing, the Macarena and any such dated dance styles or moves are just not for this generation. And please don’t try to be the one to single handedly resurrect them. At the very least you may break something. But the Funky Chicken and Electric Slide are timeless classics that are sure to bring about a
few laughs if not ecstatic participation.
2.) If you are a “single but encouraged” person you need to take note here. When the DJ inappropriately puts on a slow song after a really pumping track; go AWOL. Quickly but casually ask people, “which way to the restroom” and look like you never even heard the song start. This is not to hide your single hood. Nah, be strong in that … consider this a commercial break for single people. Fetch yourself a snack or make some short but witty banter with any prospective dance partners. But whatever you do don’t stare wishfully at couples on the dance floor. This is a sure way to ruin your evening.
3.) Lastly…always dance!!!… If you are as stiff as an ironing board…relax and go tear it up. Even if you have to kick back a few, get your booty out on that floor. You won’t regret it!
This being my fourth wedding since the beginning of the summer, I feel I have grown in wisdom and understanding of this celebratory occasion. But I want to share just 3 simple tips about the DANCING part of weddings that I have gleaned becoming the wedding connoisseur that I am today.
1.) The moon walk, Irish dancing, the Macarena and any such dated dance styles or moves are just not for this generation. And please don’t try to be the one to single handedly resurrect them. At the very least you may break something. But the Funky Chicken and Electric Slide are timeless classics that are sure to bring about a
few laughs if not ecstatic participation.
2.) If you are a “single but encouraged” person you need to take note here. When the DJ inappropriately puts on a slow song after a really pumping track; go AWOL. Quickly but casually ask people, “which way to the restroom” and look like you never even heard the song start. This is not to hide your single hood. Nah, be strong in that … consider this a commercial break for single people. Fetch yourself a snack or make some short but witty banter with any prospective dance partners. But whatever you do don’t stare wishfully at couples on the dance floor. This is a sure way to ruin your evening.
3.) Lastly…always dance!!!… If you are as stiff as an ironing board…relax and go tear it up. Even if you have to kick back a few, get your booty out on that floor. You won’t regret it!
Monday, December 06, 2004
simply happy
Last night, after a delicious evening of honest words and warm company I switched off all the lights and let the candles burn low. I nestled by the glowing fire. I listened to Ryan Adams brilliant rendition of Oasis’ Wonderwall, over and over. Which I must confess is one of those songs that lulls me into my secret place. Where was this song when I needed it in those, high school “turn off the lights and lock the door phases coz she hurts my heart”. (by the way that album ranks as far as album titles go- “Love is Hell Pt.1”…I like to imply the facetiousness of there being more than one part of love being Hell.)
Anyway...so I sat there thinking about our bold conversation. I sat there thinking about each persons personalities and their own personal brilliance. I found myself quietly content with my friends.
I felt happy to be.
Than I began to think about how I had foolishly confessed that I wanted to be a spokesperson to my generation. How I wanted to be brilliant at mobilizing my generation to be the real Church- loving the poor, loving the rich, rescuing orphans and caring for widows. Part of me felt so far from where I wish I were. Eventually I sheepishly crawled into bed and lay there below my poster of Martin Luther King Jr. I thought about him and than decided not to… Tonight I just wanted to be simply happy. I wanted to be simply loved. I thought about my warm bed, my fireplace, and my friends. I told God I was happy. He told me He loved me. We laughed.
I feel asleep to patty griffin and I was happy.
Anyway...so I sat there thinking about our bold conversation. I sat there thinking about each persons personalities and their own personal brilliance. I found myself quietly content with my friends.
I felt happy to be.
Than I began to think about how I had foolishly confessed that I wanted to be a spokesperson to my generation. How I wanted to be brilliant at mobilizing my generation to be the real Church- loving the poor, loving the rich, rescuing orphans and caring for widows. Part of me felt so far from where I wish I were. Eventually I sheepishly crawled into bed and lay there below my poster of Martin Luther King Jr. I thought about him and than decided not to… Tonight I just wanted to be simply happy. I wanted to be simply loved. I thought about my warm bed, my fireplace, and my friends. I told God I was happy. He told me He loved me. We laughed.
I feel asleep to patty griffin and I was happy.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
