se7en minutes of delirium

I came across this photo, from a few years back, of myself stuck in a sandy riverbed in rural Zimbabwe just before a serious thunderstorm. And boy did it come down. Like a cow pissing on a flat rock it came down. Luckily my friends had some asses (sorry, I just couldn't resist using this word) that managed to pull us out of there before the river flooded. As I reminisced over the pic I couldn’t help but wonder; …when did that reckless boy become a cautious man?

Have you ever slept beautifully and awoken to the warm sunshine seven minutes before the alarm clock… and all you want to do is pull your sheets tightly over your head and disappear for those perfect seven minutes. Ahhh, so good. Do you know what its like to be in that blissful state of delirium? Knowing its time to arise but lazily enjoying the last few shadows of weariness before it all begins.

As I sat at lunch with Scott today, I vocalized some healthy discomfort I feel with LIFE. As I listen to many of my friends and peers share the same or similar frustrations, I can’t help but question if we are unique or are these “issues” just young adult symptoms of that chronic illness known as growing up.

The older I get the more I fight to control my life. The more I fight the more I fear. A sadness haunts me when I think about how free I was to act and believe God would have me trekking through the deep African bush with less than a days notice. Today I am fully awake to the realities of getting your taxes in on time, investing, not getting into debt and planning for the future. To be honest I liked being half awake and free. I liked those seven blissful minutes of warm sunshine. Alas the buzzer has gone off, I have arisen to adulthood and there is no time for reckless, boyish freedom.

(oooh that came off sadder than I had originally thought.)

“I guess this is growing up”- blink 182

I promise I’m not a televangelist

Tonight I fine dined Afghan style with David, Khalid and princess Kiran. We feasted on delicious; lamb shank, tikka kebabs and Nan bread. On my way I stopped over at the grocery store to pick up some Easter eggs for her highness and the latest Newsweek entitled "How Jesus Became Christ".

Returning home my roommate Q and I hooked up the projector and sound, turned down all the lights and settled in to watching the “Passion of the Christ”. It was as unsettling as the first time I saw it. More powerful without the hype surrounding it and this time the focus being on remembrance.

I returned to my room to retire, my mind filled with gruesome images that captured the sufferings of my Jesus. I lay down to read the Newsweek article, which was mainly church history 101 from the resurrection to the rise of Christianity.

Thoughts:
….. Tonight I feel proud to be a Christian, to be a Christ one. I feel deeply satisfied to be able to say I know Him. Not from a distance either, unlike an extra in the movie looking to play their part a little better or a curious Newsweek subscriber dipping into an Easter article. Jesus is not just a historical character or subject of interest to me. This may sound ridiculous but I know Him, that’s my Jesus there, scourged, hanging, falling, bleeding. This is the same Jesus who causes my heart to beat faster than a thousand drums when my spirit is in worship. The same Jesus who listens to me when I’m angry or alone confused and frustrated. This is Jesus who believes my life matters and wants me to be a part of His plan to bring redemption to this screwed up world. How awesome that I get the privilege of knowing Him. Not just meeting Him or getting an autograph. I get to KNOW Him! Every fiber of my being has the opportunity to be saturated by Him day in and day out.
Breathless.
Seriously, this is stunning. This is reality as strange as this may sound. So Easter cannot just be another holiday or March Madness high point. Easter is the apex Holy day where our souls should find fire in the remembrance and jubilation in the one we Know. Like I said I promise I’m not a televangelist but do you know him?

Abba, my soul delights in you tonight. Sweet Jesus I caused your wounds and your wounds heal me.

“Now this is eternal life: that they may know you, the only true God, and Jesus Christ, whom you have sent.”
- John 17:3

die green beans, die!

Have you ever hated something so ferociously that you would do just about anything to avoid them? That is how I feel about green beans. I swear…I sincerely hate them. And I know what you’re thinking… "you haven't tasted my Mom’s green beans." Or you are thinking… "ahh, the way I make them smothered in sauce..". You know what?…they could be triple dipped in Austrian chocolate and dusted in coconut flakes and I still wouldn't like them.

Once when I was a kid…ahh this is a traumatic memory for me, bear with me. I had those mean parents who made you clear all the food off your plate before dessert. And so I sat at the table swearing to myself that I would not undergo martyrdom from those green beans. I remember sneakily (is that a word? What! I’ve graduated I can make up words.) Anyway, I remember taking mouthfuls of those slimy, lanky, sick, disgusting beans, discreetly coughing them into my hand and then sliding them under my plate one at a time.
I was so jazzed with myself that I had managed to stealthily dismiss my helping of green beans undetected. I cheerfully asked to be excused from the table. Unfortunately I didn’t think far enough ahead into my plan. I forgot that after I was excused I would be asked to take my plate to the kitchen. Busted!

Guess what I had to painfully endure for dessert.

restless @ willow

Tonight my roommates, a friend and I ventured out to the burbs to visit Willowcreek. Regardless of what some of you may think of this mammoth church, I personally love Willow. (I did an internship there and I just love those rich Christians doing big things for God.)

So anyway… The evening was fully creative with an amazing dance and a multi sensory experience of Jesus walk to Golgotha. Being blindfolded freaks me out as it is but walking with hundreds of people (and dodgy people from the suburbs) down a narrow hallway made me fully reluctant. But being the sheep that I am I yielded my goatish ways and engaged. Walking down a long dark hallway with voices screaming at you and than whispering evoked just a glimpse of the confusion and helplessness that Jesus must have felt on His walk and in His suffering.

Later we sat in a dim lit chapel in front of three huge crosses while a pianist played and we meditated… well, I tried, I mean, I really tried and I couldn’t! My being was so restless. My mind was going a million miles an hour. And here, in one of the most opportune times to let go I couldn’t. What an indicator of a life out of sync. How could peace be so far from me? Reminders of things I needed to do and things I didn’t need to do totally crushed me. Overwhelmed and stressed in my heart of hearts. Why couldn’t I just sit still and be calm before God???..... God eventually got to me. Eventually we made way through all the junk in my heart and began to speak. Sweeeet. Mmm…there is nothing like feeling your heart is being heard by the Father…nothing like feeling His smile.

I guess I’m not trying to tell a story or say anything too meaningful. I guess I just want to encourage anyone reading this that He really is listening. I mean, He really does care about what crap you’re going through. He knows confusion, he knows what its like to be stressed out and beaten down. He knows life is hard. He is listening.

“My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death.” - jesus

something very beautiful

Another sick day at home! Sadly running out of hot chocolate and French Vanilla creamer… but awake enough to read.
[caution: if you have a tender heart and a sincere longing for heaven this may lead to leaking eyes.]

“And I go back to Eden, in my mind, to imagine what it is going to be like for you and me in heaven. I suppose it will be a new and marvelous paradise, where love will exist in its purest form, where the beauty of diversity will be understood for the first time, where self-hatred will fade into an agreement with God about the splendor of His creation, where physical beauty will no longer be used as a commodity, where you and I will feel free in our sincere love for others, ourselves, and God. And I suppose it will be in heaven that you and I actually understand each other, all the drama of the lifeboat a distant memory, all the arguments we had seeming so inconsequential, and the glory of God before us in all His majesty, shining like sunlight through our souls. This will be a good thing, my friend.” – d.miller

madison

So…I got sent home from work today. Sick. My stubborn pride was dealt a blow as this is only the second sick day I have ever taken in my life so far. The first was 2 months ago. I hate this. My throat is on fire. I sound like Macy Grey and I don’t have the energy to read. So here I am at home nursing a double chocolate Swiss Miss hot chocolate with a tad of French vanilla. Ah, what sweet decadence sickness affords. My roommate Chris is also sick, he’s gone to get us lunch. Mmm…


This weekend I got to get out of the city. I went up to hang out with Tim who is on Spring Break. We walked on Lake Geneva and watched the ice fishermen, ice fish. That is one sport (?) I know I could be really good at without much practice. Sunday I got to go to Madison, which is a place, I have heard magical, mystical stories about both from Tim and Mary. I totally see why. I loved it. We attended Mad City in the morning but was told it was a very untypical service even though pastor Shane did preach, what I thought was an exceptionally balanced message on Evolution vs Creation while weaving in his famed “Genesis 1 God” message of love.

We went out with a few of Tim’s friends to a famous UW eat out spot. Tim took me on a very interesting and exciting tour of Madison and the UW campus, throwing in stories of days gone by, funny, sad… heart memories. I think walking down those paths of memory made me realize how life rolls on and how we are never stuck in one place as much as we may like or dislike it. Time has a way of marching on regardless. And life rolls on with it. Yeah well.

hot off the press-

Just FYI-
Coldplay's new album X&Y will be released by Parlophone on 6th June, preceded by the single Speed Of Sound on 23rd May.

I know it's ridiculous but it feels like a small gap in the clouds

the death of love

Sweet, whispering, elating love.
Chewy, rich, deep love.
Yummy, euphoric, sweltering love.
Costly, fresh, jubilant love.
Magnetic, inspiring, climactic love.
Pure, bold, aggressive love.
Hot, glossy, steady love.
Hysterical, sensitive, heart love.

Love defeated, broken, lost.
Love denied, abandoned, destroyed.
Love stolen, mocked, bleeding.
Love spilt, warped, damaged.
Love cracked, tortured, abused
Love angered, cut, miserable.
Love trashed, dropped, failed.
Love wounded, obsolete, dead.

Round Two

Because I was told that my last answers to the Interview game were “sarcastic”, “not like you at all Allan”, “insensitive to accordion players”, “Crass (-apparently castrating a hog is crass? Who knew?) And “hurtful to everything country” I decided to do a redo. So here goes:

1) If you could ask god for an explanation of one thing NOT pertaining to your own immediate life, what would it be? Explain.
Answer: How was it possibly all worth it Lord?

2) Would you rather live in an ant farm as a human with an average intelligence …..
Answer: I got half way through this question again and was still totally exhausted. Sorry.

3) What do your friends say are your 5 most wonderful qualities?
Answer: I had friends before I gave my answers to the first interview, but now I don’t. But if I did they would say
a. “Passionate”. (I think they mistake my asthma for passion.)
b. “Allan, you really care about stuff.” (I would get bored of myself real fast if that was all I cared about.)
c. “You really go out of your way for other people.” (I believe strongly in loyalty, faithfulness, others… tripping up constantly, so much yet to learn.)
d. “You have a lot of faith” (only because I’m really good at running out of my own options.)
…wow, that was hard to write. That question just tempts pride. Did I succeed? Only God knows.

4) If you had to embrace a song as your life anthem, which would you pick and why?
Answer: Such a difficult question for someone who loves music. But there are 2 hymns that I think transcend music. And when I sing, if God accepts, in my sin stained worship, come from my heart and reach His ears. “Above the Throne of God Above” and “Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing.”

…I think 4 questions are enough for this round. Thanks again Barga.

Disclaimer: if anyone was offended, I apologize, I did not mean to cause an offense.

An Interview by Mary Barga

1) if you could ask God for an explanation of one thing NOT pertaining to your own immediate life, what would it be? explain.
Answer: Why did God in His infinite wisdom and great mercy allow:
a. there to be so many damn country music radio stations?
b. Girls to be so brilliant and have so much power over guys?
c. Some hillbilly to invent the accordion?
d. But seriously now, why does he allow so many of His beloved creation to perish because of ignorance. (I’m a Calvinist obviously but I just don’t get it....I guess that makes me a 4point Calvinist....I just love Calvin and Hobbes!)

2) would you rather live in an ant farm as a human with an average intelligence …..
Answer: Blah, blah, blah…I got half way through reading this question and was totally exhausted. Sorry. I think I truly do have the intelligence of an ant.

3) what do your friends say are your 5 most wonderful qualities?
Answer: I don’t have any friends. But if I did they would say:
a. That I am smokin’ hot. Seriously. “If you want my body and you think I’m sexy….everyone, sing-a-long, come on girl and let me know.... We have a Piper down, I repeat, a piper down.” – So I Married An Axe Murderer
b. My abundance of rare skills. For example I can whistle every gap between the notes of Handel’s Messiah backwards while castrating a hog. And I’m pretty good with a bowstaff.
c. I don’t have Cankles. (Cankels are legs that lack shape. Many old ladies and some girls have this problem. It is when it becomes difficult to distinguish between their calves and their ankles.) Yeah I don’t have that problem.
d. I am emotionally stable. Most of the time. Well, mainly on weekends and mostly just on Saturdays… before noon that is.
e. It's so obvious, duh, my humility. Really, I am about the most humble person I know.

4) if you had to embrace a song as your life anthem, which would you pick and why?
Answer: Happy Birthday or that new song in the soundtrack to the new "Pray of Jabez" movie coming out this summer.....(kidding, how awful would that be. I'd become Buddist or something cool sounding.) Seriously, it's music so I can't kid around. One Love/People Get Ready- Bob Marley This song is so beautiful, vibrant, honest, worshipfully, about friends, struggles, good and evil, community, life, Jesus returning. I can listen to this song a gazillion times and never get tired of it. “Let’s get together and feel air’ighte!”

5) someone chooses to write a detailed biography of your life - by writing the exact opposite. detail the opposite life in three stages: childhood, teen years, and your 20s.
Answer: Childhood- Allan was an amazing, brilliant gifted child. Always seen but not heard. He never wet the bed ever.
Teen Years: Allan was an amazing, brilliant gifted teen. Respected adults and always did what he was told. He never ever wet the bed, ever.
20’s- Allan was amazing, brilliant and gifted in his 20’s. He was studious and hard working. He never ever, ever wet the bed, ever! I promise I don't.

...thanks barga, that was a little amusing.