- Thoughts on my church and why I think the Holy Spirit might have left the building
Today after church we had a “Feedback/ how are we doing as a church” session. Which when we were all said and done, felt a bit more like a We-are-the-greatest-church-ever cheerleaders rehearsal. The meeting seemed to be gaining some promising momentum…but was suddenly closed with a simple prayer. It felt dissatisfying and inconclusive. I exited the basement and walked out the door of the church to a chilly November afternoon. I looked up at the sky and felt my heart sink as the words and meaning of the meeting fell into place.
Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not a disgruntled college student who wants church MY way. In fact I am very aware of the long journey a church must travel towards finding its identity (this is the second church plant that I’ve given myself to). I’m also no church expert or church consultant, so read my words with a bucket of salt. I’m just some guy with an opinion.
I have been going to this church for more than 3 and a half years, (6 months after its official start) and have seen it go through the wringer, to say the least. I LOVE the people at this church and they are my family in ways no other church body has ever been. These people are MY people. My involvement throughout the years has provided me with an up front view to the action. The thing is, 3 yrs ago we had a similar meeting with a room full of vibrant, passionate, people, like we did today. Back then we came up with the same dreams and visions that folks so readily offered up today. Yes, I want my church to be about “reconciliation,” “community” and “justice.” I want all these good things for us. But as I surveyed the room I realized that, of the room full of people that originally cried out these dreams and visions for our church a few years back, only 3 or 4 from that old group remained! I thought about all the people who were originally there and how over time, they had left. And I noticed today, that those most zealously sticking up their hands to exclaim what a wonderful church we are had only been there a few months or a year at best. The revolving door of our church has been spinning and continues to do so. Such is the nature of church in a big city. A sadness filled me as I realized and have been realizing over this last year; something is missing. Something is missing that only time is able to tell. There is a gap between envisioning and living out vision. There is this gaping divide between talking and doing. It’s easy to talk about justice and the beloved community, rather than do justice and become that community. And when it comes to my church, there has been a tragic failure in the execution of these very lofty values and ideals over the last 4 years. I fear that not only is something missing, but something is seriously broken.
During the meeting, red flags began to shoot up everywhere. It began to feel too internally focused. I know it was a “how are we doing as a church meeting,” but surely that doesn’t mean it’s all about “we, us and I.” People expressed a dislike of the churches that hurt them in the past and the new comfort they’ve found with us. Red flag. We lightly touched on the spirituality of our church, with (I believe) one comment on how we could do with some more organized prayer. Another red flag. The illusion that we were starting something new, something never before attempted, saturated our language; another red flag. I thought to myself, “how long do we call ourselves a church plant? How long do we pretend we are ‘just learners?’ How long do we hide behind Sunday morning and ESL classes and fail to really become a church on the move?” I imagined a good starting point might be doing away with our excuses and facing our failures. Why do we not speak of them as a group? I imagine if we did, we might move a step forward instead of 2 steps back. But the few comments toward this direction in the meeting were met with confusion and dissention.
Yes, we talk about racial reconciliation, but without a solid vision for diversity and the tangible steps toward getting us there. We speak of it as a value, but when the heat turns up, people leave the kitchen. Our unity is only skin deep and at arms length. We have failed to define our identity primarily as “Christ Ones” and too few culturally diverse, authentic relationships have been formed. We do not struggle, hurt or bleed enough to claim this as something we are about.
We talk about neighborhood development in a neighborhood well on its way to being fully gentrified; and wait, did I mention we are those gentry? We talk about “starting something new” but in the last 4 years have made no significant partnerships to those already serving the poor in the neighborhood. We are “all about the poor” but the poor are not even among us. More tragically, we are not even among them… yet we see them congregate in the park everyday and hang out on every street corner of “our” neighborhood.
And most sadly, our lofty values and ideals contain no real mention of God. We got close with the mention of worship but I was disappointed as people emphasized they were speaking more of the style and variety of the music. There was praise of the teaching pastor and the musical skills of the worship pastor, I mean, director, but if we are to be an Acts 2 church we must move beyond celebrity. We seem to not see the LORD, High and lifted up with the train of His robe filling the temple with glory. I am convinced that if we did, we would take sin in our church much more seriously. “Woe is me” would be our heart cry. We would be living out and pursuing; prayer, fasting, accountability, confession, discipleship and the spreading of the gospel. We wouldn’t smell, look or taste like the world around us. We should be identifying ourselves as broken, needy, desperate people above all other descriptors of ourselves. We would have a growing and unquenchable thirst for God. As it is, I begin to fear we have no hunger or desire for God—Not just the things OF God, but GOD Himself. We lack an appetite for God Himself and will therefore never ever accomplish the things OF God without Him. To us the Holy Spirit is a vague Star-Wars-like force not to be mentioned too much for fear of sounding like a fanatical charismatic, but just enough to acknowledge our belief in the trinity. Our efforts are man made, bearing no real fruit. What sad people we are. What sad people we have become. Playing church when the battle for our neighborhood, our city, and our world rages on and people are lost daily to drugs, poverty, the pursuit of the American dream and nominal, mediocre, cultural Christianity.
But seriously, what do I know? I’m just a guy with an opinion, standing under a November sky, feeling like something is missing.
