relocating

(me, working like a Hebrew slave.)

Today it was confirmed that we are moving offices to a bigger place. I love my space, my window, my desk, my view of the Holiday Inn and parking lot. Ah…farewell sweet sanctuary. When we move I will post a pic of my new space in the basement.
(PS yes, that’s my morning face…and what I like to call my “mama’s boy smile”.)

a peculiar graduation

Tonight I talked with God.
I awoke this morning with a heavy, heavy heart. Disappointed and frustrated. Half an hour late I ran down to the car and found myself parked in. On the freeway I spilt my coconut-iced coffee over my nice clean white shirt. I picked one up at the store, making me an hour late for work,… as the boss was willing to point out. (and I usually start work at 10!) A sad email and 2 cancelled dinner plans later I found myself sitting in my neighborhood diner alone with my new leather bound journal and a pen on fire.

I love the way black ink perfectly leaks onto pure white pages. I love how thoughts flow from my heart to my head, through my arm and onto the page. I have felt like a run away child of recent, filling my time with good times but skewed priorities. Carelessly and selfishly running away from my Father. I scribbled down a picture of a crumbling, wounded heart with a blindfolded me trying to climb out of it, while resisting His fierce love.

“The conscious awareness of our resistance to grace and the refusal to allow God’s love to make us who we really are brings a sense of oppression. Our lives become fragmented, inconsistent, lacking in harmony and out of sync.” –Brennan Manning.

Feeling lost inside of oneself is a feeling worse than loneliness. Reading the first few words of Ragamuffin Gospel put a cool breeze in my sail.
His smile came unexpectedly;
Words of Manning made me think that perhaps I am not as lost as I think. Perhaps I have graduated from an arrogant and independent religious christianity. I have matured to realize that I am now one of the … bedraggled, beat-up, and burnt-out…the sorely burned who are still shifting the heavy suitcase from one hand to the other…the weak-kneed who knows I don’t have it altogether and am too proud to accept the hand-out of amazing grace. I am one of the inconsistent, unsteady disciples whose cheese is falling off their cracker. I am one of the poor, weak, sinful men with hereditary faults and limited talents, an earthen vessel who shuffles along on feet of clay. Yes, I am bent and bruised and feel at times that my life is a grave disappointment to God. I am one of those smart people who knows they are stupid and am an honest disciple who admits he has grown weary and discouraged along the Way.

Who knew that descending was the prerequisite for this over due graduation? And now i'm off to following jesus 101...

be a man

I remember reading the poem "IF" by Rudyard Kipling which to my knowledge still hangs in the home of my Uncle Keith. The poem reminds me of those hot sticky summer afternoons in my teenage years when I would take long naps on the couch and stare up at it, read it and re-read it to myself till I fell into a peaceful sleep. The poem is an eloquent list of noble virtues that a father presents to his son. My favorite part was always the last line that crescendos into this simple profound conclusion, “And--which is more--you'll be a Man, my son!”

I finally got around to watching Coach Carter. I loved the dedication and unyielding leadership of this man. I loved his clarity of vision and his commitment to what he saw was beyond the fleeting victory of a basketball game. “I came here to coach athletes, and you became students. I came here to teach boys, and you became men.” – Coach Carter

I have been thinking a lot about what makes a man a MAN. I have always admired men who are solid rocks… Martin Luther, Martin Luther King Jr., William Wallace, Gandhi, Dietrich Bonhoeffer, Winston Churchill, and Nelson Mandela. I feel that these men are portraits of what I want to believe a man to be. I guess I struggle with the fact that these men are so few and far between. Why do so many men fall short? What happened to leadership, honor, virtue, fortitude, courage, and valor? Unfortunately, even writing these words down sounds like they are from ages past.

“Years ago, manhood was an opportunity for achievement, and now it is a problem to be overcome.” – Garrison Keillor
Have we become part of a culture that has emasculated men? Am I a front row witness to the feminization of society? Excuse me but how the hell did the perfectly manicured Abercrombie models get to represent manhood for my generation? And why are there, so many wimpy Raymond’s and pathetic Castanza’s? Is anyone else hearing me on this? The water is muddy and we are losing sight of what a real man is. I would hate for my kids to look up to guys like R. Kelly, Coby or Johnny Knoxville. Where have all the real men gone? Seriously! I emphatically refuse to believe that I cannot be a MAN!

Okay, I’m done.

a somber rant on romance

Last night I had supper at Jenny and Robins. They are a young, happily married couple that met over the Internet. I went to their wedding last summer and last night I found myself hesitantly agreeing to the only option for the evenings entertainment, “let’s watch the wedding video”.
I honestly really didn’t want to but I love this couple and they were so excited to give the directors commentary of “their day”.

I have been going through this very contemplative, very pendulum-like time of being desperately disillusioned with any sort of love and romance and then also being euphorically happy for the likes of Robin and Jenny. If you’ve been single for any amount of time you’ll know that this discussion on romance/love/single stuff gets old real quick. And I apologize but my psychologist/chauffer says I need to vent my frustrations.

Gosh, my heart has turned cold. While people were oohing and ahhing over love and marriage, during the evening, I found myself realizing that over the last year I have become quite the cynic. Sad. This eros/love/romance stuff just is all too much for me. It just seems so tainted to me. “Wah, wah, wah…” I can hear you all saying, “give me a break allan”. Hey this is just my lame opinion so deal with it.

And now the rant:
I just don’t like what I see. I feel like so much of what I see is consumer love. This love, this lame ass consumer love that so many subscribe to is just not what I choose. I didn’t know that love has so many checks and balances. I didn’t know that love is supposed to “match”. People want warranties and guaranties. They want to see the end product before they make the purchase. They want the euphoric feelings of “new” to last forever. (You know that feeling you get when you rip off that glossy plastic on a new cd or that wrapping paper off a special gift.) They want love to do and give, what I don’t think, real love does and gives. I know Christians claim otherwise but it’s the same thing dressed up in slightly more sanctified and spiritualized verbiage. But it’s the same.

Don’t get me wrong. The key words here are “not for me”. The good news is that I do believe that there is wonderful love out there for the fortunate few. I do. I believe that my roommate Marky Mark and Courtney are floating above the city on that ninth cloud. I believe Robin and Jenny after this first year of marriage are still up there. I get it okay, fine. But I will have you know that I have been up close, next to this other version and I have seen the cracks and fractures of this modern day idol named romantic love. I’ve been told that I just “still haven’t found what I’m looking for”. But I don’t think I could recognize it if it came my way... and I definitely don't have the energy to pursue it even if it did. Fine, fine, tell me I’m prematurely throwing in the towel. Perhaps, but I’m okay with that. A future of arguing with in-laws, 2.5 kids and the emerald green mini van has never really sounded that exciting to me anyway.

“Oh how the mighty have fallen.”

Limited Dating Warranty –

WARRANTY COVERAGE
Relationship Warranty obligations for the dater and datee are limited to the terms set forth below:

Relationship Warranty Coverage warrants the dater and datee against defects in infatuation for a period of one (1) year from the date of original purchase ("Warranty Period").

If a defect arises and a valid claim is received within the Warranty Period, at its option, we will (1) repair the relationship at no charge, using new advice or re-runs from Dr.Phil or Oprah, (2) exchange the relationship with a relationship that is new or which has been manufactured from Hollywood or Disney and is at least functionally equivalent to the original “in love” stages of the previous relationship, or (3) refund the emotional price of the relationship.

If a defect arises and a valid claim is received after the first one hundred and eighty (180) days of the Warranty Period, a breaking up or making up charge will apply to any repair or exchange of the relationship undertaken.

EXCLUSIONS AND LIMITATIONS

This Limited Warranty applies only to the daters and datees that can be identified by the "committed" trademark, trade name, or logo affixed to it. This Limited Warranty does not apply to any non-committal losers or any “friends with benefits”, even if serious emotional heartache ensues. Non-committal manufacturers, suppliers, or publishers may provide a separate warranty for their own relationships.

We are not liable for any damage to or loss of any emotions, self esteem, or other heart conditions invested in this relationship, or any non-committal relationship not covered by this warranty. This warranty does not apply to damage caused by cheating, abuse, jealousy, dating games, or non-committal making out.


(i was reading my warranty for a product I purchased and the thought crossed my mind how wonderful it would be to have one of these for real life relationships...hence this post. Hehehe.)